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Dear Boys and Girls,

As you are no doubt aware, the world is engaged in an ongoing War on Christmas manufactured by Rupert Murdoch and the Naughty boys and girls of the Fox News Empire.  What used to be a jolly and merry season, has now become a season of misery and poverty for countless children around the world.

For centuries, I have championed the causes of love, kindness and good will towards our fellow man, and opposed military action of any kind.  So It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this letter to you.

The Council of Imaginary Immortals has become increasingly concerned regarding Yahweh’s absence from our annual global planning meetings. We have been trying to reach Him for decades to address the utter lack of concern for their fellow man that His followers are showing towards their fellow man. All to no avail.

It appears as though He is unwilling, or perhaps unable,  to reign-in their increasingly bizarre and reckless behavior.

As some of you may not be aware, I was not always a Nice Elf. There was a time in my childhood when I was one of the most feared Imaginary Immortals.  Although the stories of my appetite for children are grossly exaggerated, I certainly did not enjoy them.

Over the centuries, I came to understand the error of my ways. I suppose you can say that I ‘evolved’, to borrow from the modern parlance. Sadly, it has became readily apparent that a very large segment of Yahweh’s followers have ‘devolved’. There are even reports surfacing that children are being sacrificed in order to feed the increasingly ravenous appetites of  society’s wealthiest individuals.

The True Spirit and meaning of Christmas has been forgotten. Love, Kindness and Charity towards our fellow man have been replaced by Hatred, Intolerance and Greed.  Some people have become so concerned with protecting the inanimate idols that have come to represent the Christmas holiday, that they have abandoned all concern for their fellow man.

Speaking as somewhat of an authority on Christmas, I don’t care if you wish someone a ‘Happy Holidays’ or a ‘Merry Christmas’. All that matters to Santa is that all people of the world use this season to remind themselves of their daily duty to mankind.

In previous years, I have chosen to remain militarily neutral, providing only Humanitarian aid to the boys and girls of the world forced to endure this fictional war. I can no longer sit idly by as countless millions of imaginary bodies from the Holly Wars aren’t piling up around me.

With the full support of  the Council of Imaginary Immortals, I have decided that I can no longer sit on the sidelines, hoping for change. We must join together to take immediate and decisive action to bring this imaginary War On Christmas.

I am asking you to join with me to defeat the forces who seek to destroy Christmas, and the world.

I will not lie to you. There will be no casualties and it will not be bloody.  I urge all boys and girls, from 1 to 92, to enlist in NOEL TODAY! (You may also login via your FaceBook, Google or Twitter accounts.) All children who have consistently made the Nice list will be promoted immediately into the prestigious and legendary ranks of the 1225th Elfantry ‘Fightin’ Reindeer’ Division, under the command of Colonel Rudolph.

We are also in need of additional War Correspondents from around the world to provide us with current intelligence and eyewitness accounts from the frontlines of this terrible War.

NOEL Needs you. The world needs you. But most of all, SANITY needs you!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas  and Happy Holidays,

SantaSig Final




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