Elfwood Snowflake Debacle Exposes Real Santa Claus

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Grinch Ponder

I see Santa has taken notice of my Claus is the Cause editorial and added me to his “Naughty List.” While I will address this very soon, I think a more pressing matter should be discussed first. Read further, friends, for the real story on the unfolding NPSA scandal, and look forward to my direct response to Santa regarding Claus is the Cause. 

Here it is, folks. With the recent news of NPSA employee Elfwood Snowflake breaching the Naughty or Nice database (and even installing malware while at it!), we have yet another huge blunder by the Claus Administration and Defense Secretary Jack Frost.

This time around, not only is the well-being of NOEL in jeopardy, but the safety of the entire North Pole is at stake.

While the Claus Administration has labeled Snowflake a member of CRAZY and promises to capture him with a “global Elfhunt,” one has to wonder why Snowflake decided to turn on his employers and leak potentially harmful information to enemies of the State.

Elfwood SnowFlakeSnuggle in closer, friends, because I have the answers you’ve been waiting for.

Snowflake, while acting in an admittedly deceitful manner, is actually a North Pole Patriot. I know that is a bold statement, but when you learn what I have uncovered, there will be no doubt left that not only is Claus the Cause for the War on Christmas, but he may also be a much more sinister man than we had originally thought.

You see, Snowflake reached out to me just before the NPSA scandal came to light, and I was able to obtain a large chunk of the leaked Naughty or Nice files.

After pouring through thousands of letters and phone calls sent to Santa from children all over the world, I have found something incredible:

Santa refuses to say or write “Merry Christmas.”

Yes, friends, it’s true. In over half of the letters sent from Santa back to the children who took their time to sit down and write to the so-called “Father Christmas,” Santa’s salutation was “Happy Holidays!” I was just as astounded as you likely are, my fellow Christmas-lovers.

Why would Santa write this instead of the usual “Merry Christmas” sign-off he has bellowed from the skies above for centuries? How could he possibly think it okay to neglect the Christmas spirit in his letters and phone calls, and instead opt to give a generic and lukewarm seasonal response to the children so eagerly anticipating a Christmas-filled response from our leader?

The answer becomes obvious when you consider Santa’s recent activities.

As I mentioned in my Claus is the Cause editorial, by passing bills such as GREAT and appointing obviously inadequate cabinet members like Defense Secretary Frost, Santa has proven himself a major factor in the on-going War on Christmas.

Does Santa Claus Secretly Hate Christmas?

His most recent “Santa is Colorblind” statements just add to the fact that this man is losing touch with the Christmas santa watchingspirit that once gave him and generations of children and adults alike that warm, heart-warming, and admirable Christmas character.

Mix in the Rudolph debacle, and we have a man who no longer even wants to try to recover from his drastic fall from the Sleigh.

Santa is an unabashed proponent of SANITY, and while I do not throw my full support behind Snowflake’s methods in disclosing some of the North Pole’s top secret communications, there is tremendous value in what he has done.

Maybe he’s a member of CRAZY, or maybe Santa is just slapping him with that label to help turn public influence against Snowflake.

Santa Claus Exposed

At any rate, peeling back the facade Santa has worn and exposing the man underneath the Suit gives us yet another reason to be weary when he tells us that this year will be the best Christmas yet, and wonder if he actually wants our special day to be just another Happy Holiday.

Friends, I must admit to you that I am withholding much more information from the Snowflake leaks than this report entails.

As a full-fledged supporter of Christmas and the North Pole, it is my civic duty to keep our protection the number one priority. But rest assured, I am working closely with Festive News Network editors and journalists to decide what we will be able to report to you next.

We’ll be looking over our shoulders the whole time, wondering whether SANITY and their far-North cohorts will be coming down our chimneys with intentions to silence us rather than wish us a Merry Christmas.

As should you.

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The Grinch

Opinion Journalist at Festive News Network
Since leaving his mountain bunker, The Grinch has worked for the Festive News Network. His nightly Grinch Factor show provides the world with fairly unbalanced opinions of current events.

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