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In an Elfidential Address from the Ornamental Office, Santa Claus made the shocking pronouncement that he is indefinitely suspending the Checking of Lists. This unexpected move has sent shock waves all through the North Pole.
Press Secretary Frosty T. Snowman, speaking on behalf of The Workshop, sought to reassure the Elves of the North Pole early Tuesday morning:
“Santa understands the fear and frustration that this decision has caused, and he did not make it lightly. He also understands in order to win the War on Christmas, desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Frosty goes on to say, “Santa also asked me to reiterate the points he made last night. Namely, since all good children will continue to be added to the Nice List and all naughty ones to the Naughty List, no elves will lose their jobs. He may still take an occasional glance at the Lists, but he will certainly not be checking them twice.”
In a widely anticipated move, Santa also officially confirmed that he has decided to eliminate the highly unpopular Stocking Coal Distribution Program for the Naughty permanently. The widespread rumors of the demise of the SCDP were seemingly confirmed late Friday night by Treasury Secretary and well-known anti-coal lobbyist, Ebeneezer Scrooge.
“Since the early 1990s, Santa Claus has made great strides to convert the North Pole to Green and Red energy. Coal elimination is long overdue.”, Frosty said. Responding to the concerns of the more hawkish Elves, he added: “If Santa reinstates the Checking of Lists, we will explore all options regarding replacement stocking stuffers for Naughty boys and girls.”
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