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NORTH POLE (TDJ) Details emerged yesterday in a joint press conference with Defense Secretary Frost and Tim Cratchit Memorial Hospital administrator Cindy Lou Who.
“Rudolph asked me to express his gratitude for the love, support and well-wishes he has received from his fellow North Poleans.” Who continued. “I am happy to announce that he responding well to treatment and that we expect him to make a full physical recovery. ”
When asked to elaborate on the extent of Rudolph’s injuries, Ms. Who replied: “Tim Cratchit Memorial values the privacy of our patients and their families. We do not disclose a patient’s personal information, even when authorized to do so. But I can tell you that his injuries were extensive.”
Although he is recovering remarkably well, Cindy Lou Who added “his medical team believes it is in his best interest if Rudolph remains at Tim Cratchit for a day or two longer for observation. Christmas Magic may be able to heal his physical wounds, but only time can heal the traumatic emotional wounds he suffered.”
In an effort to quell the increasing public criticism of the lack of transparency surrounding the situation, Secretary Frost confirmed that the North Pole Department of Defense debriefing of Colonel Rudolph has produced “credible information confirming that CRAZY was responsible for the attack and subsequent capture of our men. We are in close consultation with the Workshop to determine an appropriate response to this CRAZY act of aggression.”
Secretary Frost would not confirm or deny rumors that torture may have been involved, but assured us that the NPDOD is “working diligently to declassify and provide all relevant information relating to to Crazyville incident to the citizens of the North Pole as soon as possible.”
According to Secretary Frost, Rudolph has submitted his account of his experiences during his captivity and is eager to share his story. “We have granted tentative approval for Rudolph’s request to be interviewed by the Daily Jingle in the following days. ”
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