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It’s a well known fact around the North Pole that I do not enjoy adding names to my Naughty List. I never have, and I never will. I’ve become ever more forgiving and lenient because, frankly, I believe that most children are inherently Nice. It is far easier to just label a child “Naughty”, than it is to address the issues behind their bad behavior. But not you.
The Horror Of Whoville
In my many centuries as Father Christmas, there has never been another child quite like you, Mr. Grinch. For decades, you terrorized the tiny town of Whoville. You stole their presents, but never their cheer. In one of the greatest displays of the Spirit of Christmas on record, the good folks of Whoville forgave you in 1957. Unconditionally.
They welcomed you into their homes and shared their Roast Beast with you. They lifted you up , when you were down. They gave you a chance, when nobody else would. They even grew to love you. I received countless letters from the littlest Who’s, especially little Cindy Lou Who, asking me to move you to the Nice list.
After I realized that your biography had become the quintessential inspirational Christmas tradition for children the world over in 1966, I agreed. I declared that you were officially a Nice boy. This caused quite a Whobilation for the folks down in Whoville. By then, it seems that they had not only forgiven you, but had completely forgotten who you used to be.
It would appear that your Nice days are over and the Naughty Mr. Grinch has returned. In full force.
I find it particularly ironic that you, of all people, would question my loyalty to either the people of the North Pole or to the magical holiday of Christmas.
I have been promoting – and protecting – both for centuries. What have you done? Your very name – Grinch – is synonymous with “mean-spirited and unfriendly”,
You’re A Mean One, Mr Grinch
Let’s take a little walk down memory lane, shall we?
Remember sweet little Max? When Santa rescued him from your evil clutches, he was a terrified flea-ridden mess. It took years before he realized he didn’t have to beg for Santa’s love. I, too, took Max with me every year until he crossed the Rainbow Bridge. The only difference was, he rode with me in the sleigh and wasn’t forced to pull it. See, unlike Santa’s reindeer, Max didn’t possess the Christmas Magic to allow him to effortlessly pull my sleigh.
How about precious little Cindy Lou Who? She still suffers from PTSD to this day, all thanks to you. She never goes to bed without a bottled water at her bedside, because she often wakes with night terrors caused by that awful, awful night. Again, all thanks to you, Mr. Grinch.
Each year now, I make a special stop to visit Cindy Lou’s new little Who’s. When they were born, she wrote me a letter asking if I would consider making a special exception to my time-honored Christmas Eve protocol. She asked me to reveal myself to her children and personally give them their presents. She didn’t want her children to fear Santa, as she once had. Why? All because of you, Mr. Grinch.
Claus Is Indeed The Cause
I am proud of my Administration’s record, and I will gladly own and defend it. The people of the North Pole seem to agree, as they have elected to allow me to continue on in my position as Head Elf for hundreds of years. Why do you suppose that is?
Because I’m Santa Claus, that’s why.
Do you hold such little regard for your fellow North Poleans that you believe they would allow me to remain in my office if I were a threat to Christmas? Sure, we may have made mistakes – none of us are perfect. But, the fact remains that we have always acted in the best interests of not only the North Pole, but the entire world.
I will not have you tarnishing Secretary Frost’s reputation for protecting this nation. Any actions that he has taken were on my behalf, and at my direction. The Santa Buck stops with me.
Your disingenuous attack on my GREAT initiative is particularly appalling – and misleading. As you well know, I have always welcomed Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and transgendered Elves and Reindeer with open arms.
Unlike CRAZY, we have never institutionalized a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy within NOEL or in North Pole society at large. The only reason that GREAT had to be passed into law at all was to protect LGBT North Poleans from people like you.
Green With Envy
The truth is, you have always been jealous of me. Ever since your “conversion”, you’ve been secretly planning to replace me and take over the reigns of power in the North Pole. In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you: I know when you’ve been bad or good.
And you, my dear Mr. Grinch, have been very, very bad as of late.
In these perilous times, the North Pole needs a strong leader with a proven track record of providing cheer to children the world over – not a flip-flopper. Christmas needs a champion who will fight selflessly to protect the Spirit of Christmas, for all children – Christian, Jewish, Muslim and non-believers alike. Please allow me to set the record straight for you.
You Will Never Fill These Boots.
Image Credits: Chuck Jones;
This work by Claus Wars is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
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