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NORTH POLE (TDJ) Today I bring you the conclusion of my interview with Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. In case you missed the first part, you may read it here.
Rudolph Interview Conclusion
When we last spoke, you indicated that “somehow they knew you were there”. What makes you think that?
As I said, only true believers can actually see us, and we all know that CRAZY doesn’t believe in anything that I am aware of, let alone Santa and his Reindeer. Also, I could see the convoy of armored intercept vehicles speeding towards me as I was falling to the ground.
The rest is still classified, I’m afraid.
What happened when you finally landed?
My mind is still a little foggy on the details. But, I could hear voices all around me. I will never forget one in particular though. He said: “Come here boy, your nose looks reaaaalllll pretty-like!”
I knew then that things were about to get ugly and that I may never make it home again.
So….you were…. violated?
Thankfully, no. I was “rescued” by CRAZY General Sarah Palin. I could hear her shrill voice screeching right before losing consciousness saying “Don’t bruise the meat!”… for the first time since I was a fawn, I lost control of my bladder.
Rudolph’s Nightmare Begins
What happened next?
I awakened in a cage in the middle of what appeared to be an aircraft hangar or warehouse. They had me locked in a tiny cage with a few pieces of dirty hay on the floor. Like I was some sort of common animal.
I could hear Emperor Cheney screaming at General Palin: “I don’t give a rat’s ass about your damn chili! Once we obtain the information I want, you can do whatever the hell you want with him!”
Palin came over to my cage and said that the “haters can keep hatin’, but, you betcha! I’m gonna make you talk.”
I hate to interject, but I can’t believe she actually uses the phrase “haters”. I mean, who says that? Please continue, Rudolph.
I know. But, she meant business. After some rambling about manifesto she was writing in defense of Christmas, she walked away for a moment and came back with a large bag.
She pulled out a can of tomato sauce and slowly pushed it towards me across the table. Then a can of kidney beans. “You know what these are for, Rudy?”, she said. (Even in such a dire situation as I was in, I still couldn’t manage to take her seriously) “I dunno, Lunch?”
Then she tossed a packet of McCormick regular chili seasoning at me, then a spicy one. “I’m gonna make me some Merry Reindeer-mas Chili, and you’re gonna help. ”
Just as I was about to tell her that I wasn’t a very good cook, Cheney came storming over, bone saw in hand.
Cheney Takes a Hoof
Would you like a glass of water, Rudolph?
No…I just want to get this over with.
Before you continue, I must warn our readers that if you have a weak heart or little ones around, you may wish to stop reading. The following details are graphic and gruesome. Please, continue.
Cheney just walked over and the CRAZY soldiers held me down. He never said a word. He just started cutting. First, he took my left antler. Then my right. I was terrified, but we don’t have feeling in our antlers, so there was very little pain.
Then he took my hoof, Hermey. He just sawed it right off. He had this evil smirk on his face as I was screaming in pain. “I’ll teach that fat jolly bastard to screw with me!”
“Take this animal outside. NOW! We’re gonna snowboard his ass!”
The Heartless Snowboard’s Rudolph
Oh my god, Rudolph. I am so sorry. We had no idea it was this bad!
At this point, I had gone into shock, so I was in and out of consciousness. The next thing I remember is that we were outside and I was strapped to some sort of a board & he was shoveling snow down my throat and packing it into my nostrils.
Cheney was worked up into such an excited frenzy, that Palin reminded him of his heart condition. “I have no heart anymore, you stupid woman!”
What kind of people do that sort of thing???
CRAZY people, Hermey. Only CRAZY people. I don’t know how long I was subjected to his so-called “enhanced interrogation techniques”. But, I was still strapped to the board when I gunfire suddenly broke out.
My boys had come to bring me home! The firefight didn’t last long, because as you know, CRAZY, like schoolyard bullies, are just plain cowards.
I certainly wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of NOEL!
As they were fleeing, I heard Palin whining “Well, I guess I’ll have to call it Christ-MOOSE chili now!
Thank you, for sharing your story with us, Rudolph. We all love you so much, and are so sorry that you had to suffer at the hands of CRAZY.
I had to make it home. The 1225th never quits. Never. Santa will make them pay.
Before we finish, I have to ask. Have you had a chance to read The Grinch’s “Editorial” yet?
Unfortunately, yes. I can only say I am disappointed, but not shocked. He always was a bad banana.
You take care, my friend. Please let us know if there is anything, anything at all that you need.
Thank you, Hermey.
Image Credits: Mike Luckovich; Ad rem
This work by Claus Wars is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
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