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NORTH POLE (TDJ) I am happy to report that Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer was released from Tim Cratchit Memorial yesterday afternoon.
Last evening, Clarice Reindeer invited me to their home to celebrate Rudolph’s return with their family and friends. (As I previously mentioned, Rudolph and I have been dear personal friends since 1964. )
Following dinner, Rudolph asked if I had time to record his experiences and share them with you. The reporter inside me was more than eager to oblige. But, as a friend, I had to put our friendship ahead of the story.
I expressed my concern to Rudolph and Clarice as to whether he was thinking clearly and if they were prepared for the attention this would undoubtedly bring. Clarice said simply: “I want the world to know what they did to my husband.”
This is Rudolph’s story, in his own words.
First of all, welcome home, my friend. All of us at the North Pole are so glad to have you home with us again.
Thank you, Hermey. I am grateful for the love and concern shown for me and my family, from all my friends and fellow North Poleans.
How is your recovery coming along?
Thanks to the wonderful doctors and nurses at Tim Cratchit, and Christmas magic, all of my physical injuries have fully healed.
That is excellent news, Rudolph! How are you handling the mental trauma?
As an elite NOEL soldier, I’ve been trained for these situations, so it is easier for me than it may be for your average reindeer or elf. But, no amount of training can fully prepare you for the loss of a comrade.
I want to offer my deepest apologies and condolences to Randy The Red Shirt Reindeer’s parents….He was just a young buck, with his whole life ahead of him.
His death still haunts me every night when I close my eyes.
Rudolph Confirms Torture
It is always especially tragic, to lose one so young. Especially in such a senseless way. Would you share with us the extent of your injuries?
In the initial crash, I only broke my left rear leg, and I believe a couple of ribs. The real horror didn’t come until CRAZY 
found me.
Hermey…They….they…they took my hoof, man. It hurt so much!
Who took your hoof, Rudolph?
Cheney, man. Emperor Cheney, the dark lord himself!
Cheney was there?
Yes. And Palin. I think Cruz too, but I never saw him.
I think maybe it may be best if we start at the beginning. Can you tell us what happened that night?
We were on a routine scouting mission, just outside of Crazyville. At first, it was no different than the thousands of others I’ve led. Then a terrible winter storm started to develop – worst I’ve seen since 1993. To make matters worse, I was recovering from a head cold, so my nose wasn’t shining so brightly that night.
The tail winds were fierce, and it was all we could do to stay aloft, let alone on course. I radioed NOEL Command requesting permission to change course. They responded quickly, granting the request.
There seems to be some confusion as to what happened next. Workshop Spokesman Frosty T. Snowman initially reported that a commercial airliner was to blame. Now, Secretary Frost says it was a squadron of CRAZY F-16’s. Why the discrepency?
There was an airliner. We saw it – but too late! I remember yelling: “Pull up Randy, pull up! For the love of Santa, PULL UP, DAMN YOU!” Randy couldn’t pull up. He was caught in a downdraft, spiraling out of control. I….I tried to dive for him, but the snow…the damn snow.
That’s when I saw the F-16’s. Since 9/11, it’s standard procedure for the United States Military to immediately scramble fighter jets in response to any perceived threats in their airspace. Only problem is, only the truest believers can actually see us.
They knew we were there, Hermey. Somehow, they knew.
You look tired, Rudolph. Why don’t we finish the interview at another time?
Yes, I think I’d better lie down for a bit. Thank you, Hermey.
I just want you to be well, old friend. We have all the time in the world.
Stay tuned to The Daily Jingle. We’ll bring you the conclusion of our exclusive interview with Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer as soon as he is well enough to continue.
Image Credits: Captive Animals; ChoiceTwitch
This work by Claus Wars is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
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